He really exists--

Then there's this maniac who keeps doing things, like calling me to tell me that he's pulling staples out of the floor. While he's doing it, like he's daring me to stop him or something. I'd be worried, personally, but he's in another time zone, and has some aversion to coming to Seattle--thinks this is where they keep all the Kryptonite, or something.

Then he'll email me to tell me he's asleep. Don't know if he's exaggerating, or goofed on Ambien. I read about that, how some people taking Ambien end up doing things in their sleep--like driving. I can just imagine, that's how staples got into his floor in the first place. Would explain a lot of things about him, now that I think about it. He went to law school at night, I remember him telling me. He wrote a screenplay, too, which showed a lot of signs of someone who wasn't fully awake. And he can't explain the meaning of the song title "Waltzing With the Dogs", which sounded like it was recorded in someone's sleep. Then he solved the Drake equation, but nobody noticed. And that time he genetically modified eggplants so they'd stop being purple all the time, I betting that can be chalked up to prescription sleep aids. And that coup in Guatemala in '54 that drove Jacobo Arbenz from power? Probably wouldn't have happened, if this guy would've stayed awake. Yes, this explains a lot now. Like why he keeps muttering "I know this because Tyler knows this."

Man, I've gotta get me some of that Ambien. Or a girlfriend.